Hillary’s Ingenious Plan to Bankrupt Hedge Fund Managers

Thanks to the National Education Association, we are all aware that hedge fund billionaires are “cackling Monopoly men who light their cigars with dollar bills (and take candy from babies as they laugh all the way to the bank).” They make their obscene profits by investing funds from vast teacher pension systems, for which those systems receive a high rate of return.

Fortunately the teachers’ unions have a champion in Hillary Clinton, who informed us that “the top 25 hedge fund managers make more than all of the kindergarten teachers in America combined.”

“That’s not acceptable,” she said.

But who could have guessed that her scheme to strip these evildoers of their ill-gotten gains involved taking millions from them – in the form of campaign donations and independent expenditures?

The Wall Street Journal reports:

Hedge funds are playing a far bigger role in 2016 than in past elections—and Hillary Clinton has been the single biggest beneficiary.

Owners and employees of hedge funds have made $122.7 million in campaign contributions this election cycle, according to the nonpartisan Center for Responsive Politics—more than twice what they gave in the entire 2012 cycle and nearly 14% of total money donated from all sources so far.

The lines around what constitutes a hedge fund aren’t always clear in the data, or in the financial industry. But the numbers are stark. The top five contributors to pro-Clinton groups are employees or owners of private investment funds, according to federal data released last week and compiled by OpenSecrets.org, the center’s website. The data show seven financial firms alone have generated nearly $48.5 million for groups working on Clinton’s behalf.

No doubt a system is already being developed to distribute this windfall to America’s kindergarten teachers.